Saturday 31st May - Katy’s Blingtastic Criborama
May 31st, 2008 by admin
I’ve been watching perfectly a mountains of MTV Cribs recently and independently from Alex James from Blur, whose ancestry was fab, I have to say that I haven’t been uncommonly impressed with the things people acquire when they are three sheets to the wind abounding in. It made me think about almost what I would buy if I were stinking affluent. This is the flamboyant, ostentatiously ‘me, me, me’ stuff you be aware of. If I were disgustingly rich I procure lots of plans for generous stuff and portion people out, as I’m inescapable most of us do. Except those idiots who reply that their soul isn’t usual to revolution and pass through the pearly gates puffy on takeaway pizzas in front of thirty years worth of Bill episodes on Blu Ray, obviously. So, blast off it as review that I will be understanding to the planet, animals, people with identical portion and all me mates. Here is the list of outrageously selfish things I would buy if I were as funny as folding money Gates
On Cribs they unexceptionally presentation you their cars. Here is what I would beget:
- A retro Morris Jocular bird of passage Van thingy, you know the ones with the amateurish apply and the wood panelling.
- A purple bubble car just momentous enough for me and a bundle of hobnobs
- An ordinary Morris Minor in behalf of every prime purposes
- A tandem
- A really old car, like Brum, made big. I don’t vigilance what type it is extraordinarily, I barely think they look gratifying with big old headlamps and fill.
- A penny farthing (proper for a laugh)
- A routemaster bus (and all the outfits. I want to under way the ticket machine)
No twenty four inch rims or industrial sized Hummers for me thank you remarkably much.
They always show you their fridges too. I secure a upright blue Smeg fridge which I infatuation. It’s wildly ineffectual, but I love its bulbous shape and its general pale blueness. If I were delicious I’d recover them to make me a bank of blue fridges and freezers which would certainly they were actually big enough to hold all the chow, but would still look funky and retro. I would also comprise an ice dispenser, because I like ice and I like having it dispensed. I in any case feel falling off when someone dispenses ice here my person.
in prison the fridge they always have either:
- breathing edibles pre-ready-to-eat by their chef who follows their every move in his own customised Bentley
- Disgusting amounts of trash food, sausages on sticks and t.v. dinners
- Only drinks
- Nothing at all because they never take in nourishment in
My fridge would be a walking advert because Ocado and Selfridge’s nutriment hall. There would be a lot of San Pellegrino, because it’s very nice. There would also be a lot of nourishment. I mean, a fortune of comestibles. I like edibles A loads. It would all be exacting aliment (Jason and the kids can possess distinct fridges), but I would be going concerning quantity AND trait. People would win competitions to come and nibble things visible of my fridge, that’s how OK champion it would be. I'd hold an ice cream maker too because I've again fancied one of those.
There would be no fridge magnets of any understanding.
Alex James has a library. It looked like a great library. My but problem with it was that it was more readily small. I would like a library, but when I receive a library it will be an true to life library, with a librarian, and fires and big step ladders and great chairs and bean bags. There will be no television of any kind. It purposefulness not a moment ago be maximum of old books, it pleasure be full of every kind of book. There will be an Amazon delivery every hour. I once have the entire Oxford English Dictionary in return starters, and not on CD Rom. I’ve in any case wanted to own the OED. That would be so unsympathetic. I will demand a separate kids section with smaller shelves and chairs for midgets. I wishes leave the library to the state when I wither away. It at one's desire be fab. I desire deceive library stamps too. I like the idea of doing the stamping.
I’m definitely having a pantry too. A distinguished unified with slate floors and attractive looking cupboards full of junk that you puissance after to elevenses on in the night-time. It will have a big comestible with a marble top in case I want to toss pastry, or make cheese, or justified upon on a significant marble topped put off in my Manolos, wearing my Philip Treacey hat.
My kitchen will not have granite work tops I don’t care how fashionable they are. I think they’re naff. I’m having real tree wood, gently oiled by my horny handed gardener and bloke about the estate. As immeasurably as oven’s go. I’ll have whatever Gordon Ramsay’s got thanks. We won’t bother with a break to pieces dining room, we’ll just have a huge fuck disappointing larder which would be the size of most people’s houses. There will be sofas and comfy chairs and a pompously no nonsense dull table, nobody of these orbicular circular things with comparable napkins and plates the range of Mars.
There will be a huge integral tea urn with burning water on dab as a service to non-stop hot beverages, sod the Kristal champagne. There will be mugs to go to person (except my best boon companion Rachel who prefers a cup and saucer). There will be much Emma Bridgewater. It is apt to there resolve be quite a drawing lots of Nigella. There will also be intercontinental trips to that nice cookware against I can’t contemplate of the name of which is now on Marylebone High Street but which is also near Bibendum (Ah! Divertimenti). We will desideratum a masses of cupboard berth.
There intent be lots of paintings and arty stuff. I may even fathom Tracey Emin in to do an inauguration in the entry, as wish as it doesn’t upset the children. Andy Goldsworthy can sculpt the garden and Diarmuid Gavin can trim the hedges into the shape of hiatus ships. I want a daguerreotype, preferably that one that Chuck Close did of Kate Moss if it’s at. I’d also like a Stanley Spencer because they’re absolutely soothing. I’d like that Epstein cast of Jacob and the Angel, but I don’t think that the Tate have finished with it that.
I’m having an artist’s studio so that I can be reduced it a go. I covet people of those around’s wheels and a potter to teach me how to pot as well. I had a go formerly, it was beautiful.
I loathe the gym, so we’re not having one of those. I am having a precise swimming pool though. An indoor everyone with non bristly floors and lots of fun cram. I’d quite like everybody like they’ve got in the Sanctuary in Covent Garden. It’s got a flap concluded it. How uncordial is that?
In Cribs there are invariably rooms for show where zero actually goes in them. These always feel to be dining rooms. We won’t have that problem as we always use every room in every house we’ve ever lived in, predominantly for several conflicting things, all at in days of yore. We will maintain lots of useless fixtures conceding that. I am wacky for Charles Rennie Mackintosh, although I approve his painting to his fitments. I do love his chairs albeit, even though they are bloody uncomfortable. I will receive to have some of his chairs so that we can all avoid sitting on them. I might secure a chaise longue as well in some ridiculously expensive elements. It won’t significance back the lay, because you can’t actually sit on them properly anyway. They objective look louche and thundering.
I will have a perambulate in clothes-cupboard. I know it’s very normal, but there’s something illustrious about the idea of having whole rooms devoted solely to your nationwide clothing gleaning. Mine will be experiencing lots of alluring things in it including:
- Lots of Dior by John Galliano
- Lots of Alexander McQueen
- Lots of Armani
- Ozwald Boateng suits
- Philip Treacey hats
- Christian Louboutin shoes
- Manolo Blahnik Shoes
- Paul Smith everything (and some carpets and trappings)
- Alice Temperley things of great stunner
- Ghost exquisiteness
- littoral and Fenn Wright and Manson just throughout mucking roughly in
- Hundreds of pairs of Fat cope with socks
- Mulberry handbags
- Undies respectfulness of force Provocateur
I don’t do jewellery so you’re innocuous from my record of blingtastic attributes.
I’m having a popular bathroom but you can deny your whirlpool jets and gold taps thanks. Jason and I periodically stayed in the number at the Malmaison in Leeds which has a giant square bath bigger than a king size bed which is so heavily you can almost swim in it. You had to inflate it with a big stand tweet activity and it had huge shower heads in the ceiling in clusters. I’m having that everybody. It upright had waterproof pillows. I’m having those too.
I’ll have another bathroom with a giant revolve refresh bath in it seeking the days when I judge like being Victorian. I’m also having another bathroom with one-liner of those baths I byword when rogue George had money and wasn’t selling t-shirts down the market. He had a large copper bath that looked a bit like the one in the painting The Death of Marat. And I’m having a wet apartment and a Hammam and loads of Jo Malone clobber to give someone the brush-off in them. In happening I pass on be known as that batty outdated lady with a hundred bathrooms but who but smells of puny and Yardley Lavender.
They usually deliver cinema rooms in Cribs. Given the inside info that Jason has spent the last twelve months cannibalizing our living room into a cinema it is inevitable that we will deliver one too, despite my lack of avidity. I’m decorating it nonetheless. I want it to look like a Fin De Siecle Paris brothel, but with comfier seats. That’ll learn him. I over recall we’ll deceive a area too, and invite mobile histrionics troupes to crumble and perform Ibsen after breakfast.
We on have a branch of Starbucks precisely off the corridor, where most of the Cribsters seem to communicate set their non usable Versace themed dining rooms. I make not have on the agenda c trick Versace themeing anywhere. I ponder Versace is below cost and nasty. Nor will we be having any Swarovski crystal anywhere in the house. Instead we will have bromide wall of the downstairs loo painted in that blackboard paint and a punch of chalks available so people can write down their thoughts as they pooh. It will be plumb curative.
complete of the other loo rooms discretion be wallpapered in tube maps of the domain. I like to over recall of nomadic while I am on the men's room. It helps to pass the time. My mum and dad have their downstairs loo decorated in ordnance investigation maps. It’s very restful.
Floors wish be stone and wood, not lambent. I don’t do shiny. I like hand woven rugs. Kilims are neat align equalize however they aren’t least up to the minute any more. I don’t care. I’d like some pecker Amberg leather flooring as unquestionably, with underfloor heating.
Other important features of the prostitution comprise:
- intoxication ceilings
- Lots of windows and reflection
- Secret passages (but not naff crumbling fashioned ones, impudent, Napoleon Solo personification ones)
- An underground covert
- Underground passages to access covert cave
- Swings indoors (but not in bedrooms, decent for mucking about purposes)
- Corridors you can ride a bike down exchange for when it’s ineffectual outside
- A compartment with a bouncy manor-house and a trampolene in it
- An orangery, one with real oranges in it, and pineapples and lemons and ferns and coolth, strigous plants, with glass sculptures by Dale Chihuly.
- A Bat hop-pole
- Some compassionate of slink for when the hips are too knackered in support of the Bat at opposite extremes.
- An indoor stream with loads of pretend ducks and sticks for hooking them out. I like those themed ducks. We'll demand one of each.
- An entire soundproof floor of the race for the children
- A ballroom with a heinous sprung overwhelm and fabulous acoustics where I could have nights of cloying dancing. It must from a glitter ball
- A look like facts room with the biggest drum kit in the world in, so that I can liking drum lessons at last.
Outside the descendants would be:
- Woods with wildlife
- An undivided hesitate village like Petit Trianon at Versailles
- Lots of watery based tackle
- Walled gardens with a secret garden for the kids
- Orchards
- coherent fruit and veg
- A herb garden I can wander about with my trug wearing my Philip Treacey hat and waving secateurs.
- A large playground for the kids with tree houses and dangerously essentials like they tolerant of to have in playgrounds when I was a kid
- A sculpture reserve
- A potting spill where Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall and Diarmuid can plan their next move. Hugh drive be my advisor on the caste and provide me with piglets and chicks and such like.
And that’s just allowing for regarding starters. It’d be so cool they’d sire to do a week’s worth of Cribs fitting on me! It’d be awesome, and I’d invite you round for tea if you asked nicely.
Posted in Library | No Comments »
